First Times
by Fafsernir
Summary: Chandler's parents were fighting - when were they not? - and he hated it. He hated the yelling, he hated being a reason why they fought, he hated that even after the divorce, nothing had changed. They still fought, and Chandler was still alone. He didn't know what to do anymore, except cover his ears and wait. (little scenes of Chandler's life after his parents' divorce)
1. First time he smoked-had a panic attack

_Hi there! This fic is about child Chandler smoking for the first time as a way to deal with his parents' divorce. I really don't know how to write children, so I avoided any dialogues to save myself ;) Hope you'll like this short piece!_

* * *

There was always yelling, that hadn't changed, at least. Not much had actually changed. Except that now, Chandler knew. He knew his parents wouldn't be together again. Not that he had really expected them to stop yelling each time they were in the same room, but as long as they hadn't said the words, they seemed to retain some of their anger towards each other. At least when their son was in the same room. Now, they didn't. They simply started raising their voices every time they saw each other, and Chandler fled more and more rapidly the room.

They were by the pool, still arguing about God-knew-what, and Chandler had walked into the kitchen, closing the door behind him to muffle their voices. When he heard his name in the conversation, he opened the door again, hiding himself from the transparent doors. He banged his head against the wall as they started to use him for their arguments. They were talking – screaming – about who would get Chandler, both pointing out how bad a parent the other was. Chandler hated it. He just wanted to go out there and tell them that he wanted neither if they kept behaving like this.

His breath caught up in his throat as he truly realized that his parents were fighting over who would get to win him in the divorce, as if he was an item. Like the house. They had already fought over the house. Or the TV. They had argued about that as well. Chandler put his palms against the wall, his head still pressed against it, staring at the floor and pushing against the wall. He was afraid of falling, but also angry. Maybe taking it out on the wall would help.

His vision blurred and he closed his eyes as he felt a tear escape his stubborn eyes. He didn't want to cry. He held his breath back, then breathed quickly. It was suddenly hard to breathe and he wished he could just lie down on his bed. What was happening to him?

He gripped his hair in one hand and his painful heart in the other as he struggled to breathe. Wasn't anybody around? Couldn't his parents just stop fighting and notice that he was within earshot and panicking because something was happening to him and he didn't even know what? Was he dying? He slid down the wall, closing his eyes almost painfully.

His parents stopped fighting, and he sighed, slowly managing to breathe properly. As he did, sounds came rushing back and he realized that his parents were still fighting, he just hadn't been able to hear them for a few seconds – minutes?

His breathing calmed and settled back to normal, and as he lay on the floor, one hand still holding his hair tight and his other arm wrapped around himself, he wished he were somewhere else, where his parents wouldn't fight, or wouldn't even be here. He sat straight, resting his back against the wall – he had been around that wall more than he had talked to any of his parents that day – and still wondering what had happened to him when he spotted his mother's bag. Or rather, the pack of cigarettes.

He had already tried, both his parents telling him that at least he would know how it tasted, and hadn't particularly enjoyed it, but they always seemed to feel better after smoking. He wasn't a thief, but he didn't really care as he reached for the pack and pulled one from it. After a second, he took the whole pack and stood on his feet quickly, only stopping a moment as his head spun around. He felt better fast and rummaged through one of the kitchen's drawers to find a lighter. The yelling didn't seem to calm down, but edged closer to the kitchen, so Chandler ran out, holding everything tight against his chest.

The first cigarette was awful. It tasted bad and he coughed because of the smoke. He didn't stop, though. His mother had been reading some passages of her most recent book to him, and he remembered a passage about a character smoking. She had described that it was how she had felt at first – disgusted, a bit weird and somehow dirty – but then she had read the words describing the feeling once the man in the book had got used to the taste. Chandler wanted this feeling. He wanted to feel good, because he kept feeling awful recently.

Nora had stopped reading after the passage, the story stopping when a naked girl entered the room. Her son knew he didn't want to know what happened next.

It eventually got better, and Chandler started to steal from his parents regularly – they were leaving packs everywhere anyway – each time telling himself that it would be the last time. It never was the last time, and the cigarettes seemed to alleviate the weight on his shoulders. Plus, he didn't have to stand in the same room as his parents if he had to hide to smoke. It was a win-win situation, really.


	2. First time he was called champ'

_You asked for it, and I was thinking about what I could do, following this fic, so I've decided to continue it as a series of "first times" for Chandler, related to the divorce of his parents (and the impact it had on him_ _and his life) Each will be rather short, all probably under 1,000 words (Oh, I say that now...), but I hope you'll enjoy this! It's just an excuse to write more about Chandler, basically. These will not all be as sad as the first one, but, hey, it's not la bamba fiesta in Chandler's life either._

 _This is based on Chandler's words to Rachel in "TOW the two parties", when he calls her tiger and explains that he got a lot of tigers/champs/sports when his parents got divorced._

* * *

It was too hot, too suffocating under the warm sheet, but Chandler didn't want to move. It didn't cut out the noise entirely, but it helped to muffle it. He tightened his arms a bit more around his head, until it finally stopped. He waited for a few minutes, just in case it would start again.

When it didn't, he sighed, his breath hot on his skin, his pajamas top burning around his neck. He quickly put the sheet away, panting as he breathed normal fresh air again. They never stopped yelling, and he actually had no idea what to do about it. He didn't even understand why they were still shouting at each other. Couldn't they just ignore each other?

That was what April had done with him. He had said she was beautiful, blushing furiously as he did so, and she had just avoided him since then. He liked it better than being yelled at. Why couldn't his parents do the same? Was it an adult thing, to argue like this all the time?

He didn't want to be an adult.

Chandler took his stuffed animal from under the covers – the only one he had, he wasn't a girl! – and hugged him tightly, closing his eyes as he hoped he would be able to sleep.

His parents weren't going to let him sleep apparently as, before long, someone knocked on his bedroom's door. He didn't answer, but the person still came in, so he turned to see his father walking to his bed.

"Hey champ'," he smiled warmly. Chandler frowned at the new nickname. His father had never called him that way. "How are you holding up?"

Badly. Very badly. He hated their constant not-so-friendly banter. Chandler shrugged.

"I have to go for a few days, but I'll be back soon. You be a good kid, alright tiger?"

Okay, now it was ridiculous. Tiger? What was up with the nicknames? Was it National Nickname Day already? He didn't like this day!

"Have fun," Chandler muttered, turning his back on his father and snuggling with his animal.

He didn't get much sleep, that night.

Apparently, it hadn't been a Nickname Day, but was going to be a Nickname Lifetime, because the next day, his mother started throwing casual "sports" or "champs" when talking to Chandler as well. He quickly got tired of it, as if his parents were being extra-cautious every time they talked to him. He just felt like they expected him to break at any time, and they had never been like this before. It probably was even more unsettling because of this. He already felt bad about the situation but the fact that they seemed to be careful about how they talked to him – although, they still didn't even take a second to notice that he could always hear them yelling – made him highly uncomfortable.

Sometimes, Chandler thought that he liked it better when they didn't care about him.


	3. FT he made someone laugh

_*sheepishly comes in* hey... guess who... forgot she had a fic...? That's right, that's me :D And it's not even long ass chapters, no no no, it's 500 words I could easily and quickly post, but I literally forgot the existence of this fic. I swear I'll update more regularly after that! Oh, and I'll write FT instead of First time in the chapter titles now, for those reading them._

 _Quick question: would you mind if I posted very un-chronologically some of these? Because for example I have some already written for when he was in College but chronologically that's in a long time._

* * *

After the house boy had been replaced, Chandler liked hanging around the new one. Anthony was young, he looked cool and he didn't mind Chandler following him around. He didn't seem to want to talk to him, but Chandler didn't care. Someone cool tolerated his presence, that was more than enough.

He was running between the kitchen and the living-room, because Anthony was cooking and cleaning the room at the same time, when Chandler stopped following him. He stayed in the living-room while the other man went to the kitchen. Maybe he could help him.

Except that he didn't really know what he was doing, so when the house boy entered the room again, Chandler was on his toes, trying to move the vacuum around, just after the sucking part had turned on the wrong way.

Chandler froze when he heard a sudden laugh, and looked up to Anthony, who was walking to him, the nice sound following him. He stared at him in amazement as he took the vacuum from his hands and kept on cleaning, ruffling Chandler's hair.

The child kept staring, his eyes shining. He had made someone laugh. His cheeks reddened and his heart seemed to beat faster in his chest. He wanted other people to laugh. He wanted to make people laugh. He didn't laugh much himself, but he liked hearing others do. He hadn't realized how good it felt to make someone laugh.

Chandler tried hard to make Anthony laugh after that. Anthony liked sarcasm, so Chandler learned to use it. He also realized that he liked when people simply smiled at what he said or did. He didn't even care if it was to mock him, he just wanted people to feel better, because _he_ clearly wouldn't be the one feeling that way.

He was unable to simply shut up after a few years. At school, he often got into trouble for trying to make his classmates laugh, but it was the only way he knew to get people to like him. After a while, it just became part of him. He didn't really go without his humor. It was fine by him, because it took his mind off the divorce. He liked when others were happy, especially thanks to him.


	4. FT he wet his bed

_Apparently, it's hard to make new friends, go out, write, and study for uni at the same time. But hey, have another chapter while I still have some in advance! And thank you for your answer on the previous one, I'll post in whichever order I want, and will tell you if needed how old Chandler is/could be._

* * *

The nightmares had always been there, really, but they had gotten worse and worse as Chandler found out about the divorce and as everything started to fall apart around him.

The first time it escalated from bad nightmare to pee-in-the-bed nightmare, Chandler didn't say anything to anyone. He made his bed in silence, and lay back on it the night after. It didn't smell or feel good, but he didn't want his parents to know, or anyone working for his parents. So he slept and of course he wet his bed again during the night. This time, he opened the window for the day, and slept on his armchair for the night.

The third day, after a very uncomfortable night – but at least a nightmare-less one – he realized that he had to do something. He undid his bed, and carried everything in his parents' bedroom, knowing they wouldn't be here any time soon, and that someone would go in and do the laundry before any of his parents actually came back into that room. If they even came anymore.

When he got back from school, his bed had new, fresh sheets on it and Chandler stupidly thought that nobody had understood what had happened.

Only later did he realize that he had the only single bed in the house, so it wasn't even a question of who would wet the bed. But nobody said anything to him, and he discovered after a while that Peggy was the one changing his sheets each time. They didn't directly talk about it but she was being nice every time she addressed him – nicer than just trying not to get fired – and she helped him get over it, probably without even knowing it.

He was ashamed of it, so he tried to stop. He wasn't five anymore, he shouldn't be scared to the point of wetting his bed.

It eventually got better, and Chandler later joked about it, although it had been one of the hardest instant reactions after the divorce of his parents.


	5. FT he had two Christmases

_For the chapter, it's the Christmas right after the divorce, so it's really fresh. If you're wondering about Charles, don't worry, I'm just trying to put everything that has been hinted in the show and that I can remember, and Chandler did say that Charles ran of, so that's probably it, but I also keep in mind that Charles did support Chandler. And most chapters at the beginning will be rather sad (or those moments of happiness but that are only temporary) as it's still fresh, but I have other lighter ideas ;)_

* * *

The divorce was still fresh, Chandler's parents still shouted when they saw each other, and Chandler was very reluctant about spending Christmas with one, then the other. Christmas had never been a great time for him. Sure, he had gifts, but they all were just so impersonal, and most of the times it was just him and the current house boy opening them because his parents weren't even home. But they were being extra-careful since the divorce, and both had wanted him to spend Christmas with them.

He had already been with his mother, which had been all awkward and uncomfortable, until she had put some movie, and they had stayed up to watch it, not talking. Not really enjoying each other's presence, either. Chandler would have been glad to be left alone in his room. At least, she had replaced his bike with a brand new one, that was cool.

Now he was packing his bag for his few days at his father's, who had moved to Las Vegas, and he wasn't sure what he was supposed to take. So he took two extra t-shirts, two extra sweaters, two extra everything, but he couldn't close his bag. He replaced the sweaters and socks by his stuffed animal. Nobody really helped him pack.

He was alone in the flight, sitting next to another boy a bit older than him, that kept kicking and throwing tantrums as if he was five. Chandler stared at the clouds for most of the journey. He thought that his life was mostly that, now. Being alone. Having to fly for hours to see his father – not that he even wanted to see him. It was a heavy weight on his shoulders, but he tried to get used to it – more often than not, he just felt sad.

When he arrived – his father was waiting for him at the airport, at least, and looking happy to see him – and unpacked, he realized he had forgotten his pajamas. Charles surprised him by being nice and making the couple of days they had fun, and he even bought him a Star Wars themed pajamas. It was the first time he felt like he had a father, but it didn't last long.

Before long, he was on the flight back, calculating inwardly how many hours he actually spent on a flight then how many with his father. It felt like it took too much time. Chandler figured that he could do it, if his father was being so nice every time. Except that it never really happened again, Charles probably grew bored of him, just as before, and Chandler didn't bother trying to go to Las Vegas again.


	6. FT his mom introduced a boyfriend

_As i'm back on FF, I thought I'd post what I had written for this series too! I actually quite enjoyed writing it, so I might come back for more! If you have things you'd want to read, don't hesitate to drop a request :) And sorry for disappearing for so long._

* * *

 **First time his mother introduced a boyfriend to him**

Chandler was used to walking on his mother with her lovers. He was used to seeing some in the mornings. He was used to bumping into them at night. Chandler was used to meeting strangers he would never see again in his life.

But Robert had now come more into the house than Chandler's friends when he was younger. Well, when he had friends. Not that he ever had a lot of friends. Okay, Chandler had seen Robert more than a dozen times, and he had already seen too much of the man when his mother introduced them properly.

He hadn't really understood, at first. He hadn't really tried, to be honest. His mother was like this, having tons of lovers. But suddenly, she didn't have tons of lovers anymore. She had one, and he kept coming, and Chandler didn't like it. He didn't like that some guy he didn't know was with his mother like that. She paid even less attention to her son – close to nothing at all – and Chandler didn't like the fact that he talked to Robert more than he talked to his own mother. He didn't like Robert much.

Robert was okay, though. He wasn't particularly nice, but he wasn't mean either. He made pancakes in the mornings, at least. But then again, he always talked about Nora when Chandler was eating pancakes, and he hated the subject. Even when it was just to say that he liked his mother, Chandler didn't want to talk about her with that big tree – Robert was tall, or at least more so than Charles.

Chandler just hated when he had to explain that Robert wasn't his dad – yikes! – just because sometimes he came to pick him up at school. It didn't have to mean that he was his father. Although, most of the other kids had their dads picking him up at the end of the day.

Sometimes, Chandler wished that his father would come, too. He never showed up, and when Robert did, Chandler ignored the pain in his chest and followed him in silence. Until he stopped coming, and his mother started seeing nameless guys again.


	7. FT he went on stage

_I'm glad you guys like that I started this fic again ;) I even started writing for this series again, so there will be a lot more of these in the future! Most are still very close to Chandler as a child/adolescent and somehow linked to the divorce, but I've written some that are later in his life and might even be a bit Mondler oriented... I mean, is it a surprise, really? But yeah, I'm trying to write about different times :D_

* * *

 **First time he went on stage**

As much as it bothered and annoyed him, Chandler was in Las Vegas, thus knew no one, which was in itself a good thing. It didn't take the humiliation out of having to play in his father's show. That was his summer job. People mowed lawns, others cleaned cars, some were babysitters… Chandler danced in his father's show. It hadn't been his goal when he had come here. They hadn't seen each other in a long time, and his mother was busy with her book tour, so he was stuck with his father for the summer.

They didn't talk much. They _couldn't_ talk much. They had nothing to talk about. Charles had already asked how boarding school was going, and was running out of subjects. So when one of his dancers got sick, he had thought it would please Chandler to replace him. He had a weird sense of his son's taste.

He was already "the gay one" in boarding school, dancing in a drag show in Vegas wasn't exactly in his list of things to do before he died. It was on the other list. The list of things he'd rather die in horrible pain before anyone saw him do this. But he was dying from boredom and had thought it would help him realize what the value of money was, because his mother got him anything he wanted, and he had no notion of money whatsoever.

It turned out, earning money was a good feeling. Doing a work for something was rewarding. And he always found a way to mess something up intentionally to make people laugh. It worked well, for some reason.

If he fled as soon as guys started to compliment him, he actually enjoyed being on stage. It was good, to be someone he was not. In that case, a gay dancer. Both characteristics were very opposite to his true self, but he didn't particularly like his true self, so it was a good distraction.

Not that he ever mentioned this job to anyone else, or talked about it to his father. He pretended hating it, and in a way he did, because he didn't really want to be here, he didn't really know to dance, and he didn't really want to spend his summer with his father. But the stage fright, the feeling of dying inside before being in front of an audience, where every fear fled as quickly as it had been suffocating… That feeling of bliss was the closest thing to being happy near one of his parents during his adolescence.


	8. FT he thought he'd die

**First time he was scared for his life**

It was all black. And painful. This was his first memory of life. Darkness and pain. The feeling of flying, but without any image associated to it. Then the crash against the cold pavement. He was pretty sure he didn't really remember it, but had built a mental image of it. He remembered waiting. He remembered worried faces. Faces he didn't know. And faces that stayed in his mind, like that very pretty paramedic. He had smiled a lot, which had struck Chandler because of the pain he had felt while the man looked so calm. The less pretty, old doctor that had stitched him up, too.

A face he didn't remember from that experience was any of his parents'. He had been playing right outside the house, trying to learn by himself how to ride a bike, but neither had accompanied him at the hospital. He hadn't even seen them when the worried nanny – boy, had she been bad at her job, this one – had brought him back home.

This day, as Chandler was lying on his bed, thinking with his small, five years old brain, he realized that something was missing in his life. He grew understanding that it was a parental presence, but it took him a long time to admit it to himself. But that night, that lonely night, Chandler wondered if his parents would care if he were to die – because that was what he had felt was happening when he had fell from his bike and his face had hit the pavement.


	9. FT he wrote different addresses

**First time he wrote different addresses on official papers**

It was simple and stupid, but it was the first step to admitting it had happened. The divorce wasn't the hardest part. His father abandoning him was. They had never been as close as Chandler would have wished, but at least he was there. He could go talk to him anytime, even if he never did it. He had the possibility to do so, and now he was deprived of it.

When he was asked his parents' mailing address and that he wrote two different ones, he felt utterly alone.


	10. FT someone asked to call him 'dad'

**first time one of his mom's boyfriend told him he could call him dad**

One day, he had been back from boarding school for a few days, and Trent was married to his mom. It was fucked up, really, and Chandler's first question – to himself – was about when the divorce would arrive. He didn't realize it was wrong to think this, but he had simply figured that relationships, especially marriages, ended up in divorces. It just couldn't work. And it didn't fit with his mother's criteria, in his mind. She wasn't made for marriage. When Trent told Chandler, with the biggest and happiest smile Chandler had ever seen, that he could call him "Dad" if he wanted, Chandler burst out laughing.

"Right, yeah," he had scoffed.

Again, he hadn't realized what was wrong, or how he could have hurt Trent's feelings. He didn't realize before much later, when Trent wasn't in the picture anymore. Luckily for Trent's safety, they did not meet a lot, Chandler rarely ever bumping into him from his boarding school. And he barely saw his own mother, he wasn't going to see her new husband more.


	11. FT his father told him he was proud

**first time his father told him he was proud**

At the reception, Chandler tried not to stare too much at Monica. It was stupid, because they were now married, he could look at her as much as he wanted, but he didn't feel legitimate. Maybe it was because he had run away, even if only briefly and to his own office, or maybe it was because even after all these years, he sometimes couldn't believe that Monica – _Monica! –_ was his girlfriend. His wife! She had been the best of friends, and she still was, except that now they lived together, kissed and had sex, and talked even more together. And were married! He hadn't thought it was possible to be closer to someone than he had been with Monica, even before they got together. But they were.

He glanced at his mother on one side of the room, and his wife on the other. He wasn't like his parents, he had spent his life trying not to be like them. He still had freaked out, though, he still had feared that he was cursed, that Monica was going to be cursed if she married him. He didn't want them to be the Bings, because the Bings were so bad at marriage, at commitment, at building a family… He had never doubted his love for Monica, he could never, but he didn't want her to come to regret her decision, and he didn't want to be his usual self, the fuck-up Bing that was quirky, made too many jokes, was uncomfortable in society, had been commitment phobic for a long time… _Had been_. He wasn't anymore. Sure, marriage had scared him. Sure, he still was scared to death to become a father one day. But he wanted it, he could picture himself becoming a father one day. Become the father of Monica's children. He wasn't just the fuck-up Bing, he was more than that, he was loving, he cared for his friend, he had supported Joey mentally and financially for so many years, he had tried his best to be there for his friends through it all, he wanted the best for everyone, he always knew how to lighten the mood…

"Chandler, I have to fly back to Las Vegas…"

Chandler looked away from Monica, whom he had been staring at for long minutes now. When he saw his father, it brought him back to the present days. His own wedding day. He still couldn't realize.

"Oh, right," was all he could say as he tried to focus on his father.

He was glad they were talking again. Monica had helped him be such a better person, and even a better son. He owed her so much.

"I… Look, I'm not great at… this. But I'm proud of the way you turned out to be. I'm proud to be your father."

Chandler's thought about Monica suspended, to fully bring his attention to his father. His heart broke a bit in his chest as a smile appeared on his lips.

"It means a lot to me…" he whispered.

And it did. If he had always had a conflicted relationship with his father, he had still wanted a dad, had still needed one. And he had never heard him say he was proud of him. So, it was what it felt like, to make a parent genuinely proud? He regretted not feeling this any sooner, but maybe it was so special because it was so late in his life. Suddenly, he felt the need to connect with that person.

"I should go," Charles said, tears in his eyes.

Chandler nodded, not knowing what to say, and watched him go. He looked away, only to see Monica smiling at him, and suddenly felt the urge to run after his father. Which he did, catching his arm before he disappeared for God knew how long.

"Hey… Thanks for coming. It really meant a lot to me. And Monica."

"You two have really found each other, I'm happy for you."

There was something more. Something more to say. Chandler hesitated, played with his wedding ring for a second, then looked at his father.

"Dad… Let's call each other more, okay?"

The smile Chandler got in response was enough to realize that his father cared way more for his son than he had been able to show while Chandler was growing up, and as they were growing apart.

"I'd love that," he still answered.

Chandler didn't hesitate when he took him in his arms, patting his back carefully, as if afraid it was all a dream. It was not, and Charles hugged him back.

When he eventually left, Chandler searched for Monica and found her standing alone, looking at him. They met in the middle of the room, kissing each other briefly.

"Did you guys talk?" she asked as soon as they parted.

Chandler nodded and told her about their conversation, and how he felt about the situation. He then kissed her again.

"This would have never happened without you, Mon'."

"I'm sure it would have, at some point…" she answered, but really, she wanted to gloat with a "I know!" that was so like her.

"You can take credits," he whispered to her, running his fingers in her hair.

"Weeeell, you were willing to make an effort, that's something," she smiled.

"Okay," he chuckled, kissing her. "I love you," he whispered to her ear while they hugged, enjoying the few stolen minutes from the spotlight.


	12. FT someone called him 'dad'

_Huge thanks to the Guest for your review, as well as everyone else. This was suggested by Guest, and I thought it would do a nice follow-up to the two previous ones, so thank you a lot! :)_

* * *

 **first time someone called him dad**

He knew he was a father, he had known for quite a while, now, what with the diapers changing, and the waking in the middle of the night, and the not having that much free time for himself… He knew it, and it felt great, it always felt great, even when he didn't sleep for two nights in a row and had to do a presentation at his job at the same time. Even then, it felt amazing. Because he was a father and a husband, and nothing had ever felt so right as this. The twins were adorable – despite their very loud crying sessions in the middle of the night – and living in a proper house with Monica was like living in a dream. It was not that he still doubted himself, and whether he deserved or not Monica, or whether she deserved better than him, he was passed feeling like this, without taking Monica for granted or anything – he would never do that! – but he did feel stable. Or rather, he didn't fear for his relationship and life falling to pieces within a couple of seconds. The only thing falling now was himself, from sleep, pretty much everywhere. But he did feel like in a dream, because everything was so perfect, and he felt so happy.

So, he had known he was a father, ever since he had been holding his two new-born babies, and his heart had melted.

But when Erica had blurted out her first "Daddy!" he had felt like a proper, true father. Like her father.

It was unlike any previous feelings he had ever felt, or it different even from realizing that he was a father. It was a fact, facing him, in the form of his beautiful daughter calling him dad for the first time. Maybe it felt as if Erica was recognizing him as a father, her father, and he had needed that recognition.

He thought about his own father, how hard their lives had been, how hard his own had been, growing up without a conventional family. They were on better terms now, they grabbed dinner once in a while, and his father came to see the twins. He was trying to be a better grandfather than he had been a dad.

Chandler didn't have to wait to be a grandfather – oh, only the thought of it… – to realize that he would rather die than see his children hurt. He would do anything for them, because they represented everything for him. They were the proof that he, Chandler Bing, could be a good husband and a good father. That he was a good husband and a good father. Maybe a tired one, but still a great one.

When Erica called him "Daddy", his heart melted, and this moment instantly went up in the top five of his happiest moments in life. Not that he made tops or anything. But he was purely, genuinely happy, not only of being a father, but of being able to share that feeling with the most lovely and beautiful woman in the world. Monica felt as he did, and with no surprise, was the greatest mother possible to the twins.

She was the one to grab her camera and film Erica saying daddy over and over, as she saw her two parents getting excited with such a simple word. The most important word in Chandler's life since they had adopted the twins.


	13. FT he yelled back

_Sorry it took a while for me to post this one. I had very little time for myself._

 _In other news, I've opened a Ko-fi page: it's a website where you can donate money to creators, if you wish (you give the price of a coffee, hence the name.) It'd be awesome if you could even simply check my page, it's under my username, Fafsernir._

 _Enjoy this chapter, I'll come back soon with a new one ;)_

* * *

 **first time he yelled back at his parents**

Strangely enough, Chandler had never raised his voice. He knew what it was like to be around people constantly yelling, he knew how little he felt, at times. He wasn't one to scream, then. He joked, deflected potential arguments, but he never, ever yelled. He didn't want someone to feel the way he had felt when he could constantly hear his parents arguing.

He was the first one to be surprised the day he broke off. His parents were in his mother's house a bit before Thanksgiving - only that would be enough for him to be on the edge. Thanksgiving was associated with a lifetime of not feeling like he belonged and of being the weird kid that didn't know how life was supposed to work, because no one had taught him. Most of the things he knew, he knew by reading them in a book, because at least his parents had owned a great library while he was growing up.

So when his parents talked about graduating, and what he should do after, and what they wanted him to do, anger went up in his throat and out his mouth suddenly. He was the first surprised.

His voice was strong, stronger than he had thought. It hurt his chest to speak for so long, to scream for so long. But once he had started, he couldn't stop. He listed a lot of things that had turned wrong, mentioned his trauma of seeing naked people having sex before he could even speak, of growing up in a dysfunctional couple that never prepared him for life, he talked about feeling like shit all his childhood, about blaming himself and hating everyone that ever approached him including himself, he expressed his regret of not having grown up normally, of being different from the others, of being so… him.

When he couldn't scream anymore and was just breathing heavily, his chest rising and failing as he came down from his built-up anger, his parents tried to speak at once, to apologize, to do something, to promise they'd be better. They promised they'd both attend his graduation at the end of the year and would support whatever his choice was, to go to College or not. That was the last straw.

Chandler left, gathering his last strength to snap at his parents that he had already graduated and was doing great in College, and they were a year too late. They were a lifetime too late.

When he got back to his dorm, his roommate was still here. He had calmed down and stopped fuming, but Ross sensed that something was wrong, and he eventually asked him if he wanted to spend Thanksgiving away from College, with his own family, and his ever-lasting crush, Rachel. Chandler agreed, without really knowing why. Maybe he just wanted to see if Thanksgiving was that shitty in other families, as well.


	14. FT he drank alcohol

**first time he drank alcohol**

Like everything he did, it was too young that he had his first drink. He had tried drinking his mother's alcohol, but just the smell of it had made him cough enough to put it back down. It was too strong, and she didn't really have beers in the fridge. For his birthday, he had asked if he could have the house. His mother had let him have it and had sent someone to bring stuff for the party. It included beers.

Chandler was sure he could have been the school King because he had beers at his birthday. But the thing was, he didn't have anyone he wanted to invite over. He had friends in high school – he was the class clown, that was something! – but no one he wanted to spend his birthday with. They didn't really know him, most thought he was that weird gay kid, through no fault of his own. But it was hard to prove you were attracted to girls when you were in an all-boys school. He had just wanted an excuse to be by himself on his birthday, which coincidentally was when he was at home.

With a lot of food, and some drinks, Chandler decided that he would still enjoy his birthday, in his own little way. He put on his comfiest PJs, put on some movie that he would never admit to liking, and ate. He eventually tried a beer, didn't hate it, but stopped after a couple, not able to swallow more. He felt rather sick after, and had to wait a couple more years and a couple more friends before he could appreciate a good beer.


	15. FT he saw his father happy

**first time seeing his father happy**

Chandler hadn't realized that his father was gay. He _knew_ he was gay. He knew what the word meant, he understood the concept. But it wasn't like he knew a lot of gay people. He had seen his father with men – more times than what he would have liked – but he hadn't seen his father _with a man_.

Charles Bing had been staying at a hotel near the house. He had stopped coming back to the house, but sometimes he just wanted to talk with Chandler, or see him. It was the least he could do, he had said.

Chandler was walking in the streets, smoking as he did so. He liked being outside. He also liked being inside, in his safe little space. But he didn't smoke in his safe little space. He smoked when he wasn't safe, so he smoked outside. When he saw his father in the street, he froze, but his father didn't seem to notice him. Maybe he didn't see him enough to remember his face, Chandler thought. Not knowing why, he followed him. It wasn't for long, his father had just gotten out of a cab, with a man, and they walked a bit.

Chandler made eye contact with the other man, who was looking around, and almost ran back to his house. But the man didn't really seem to see him, and he reached out to Charles' hand. Chandler's father turned as their fingers intertwined, smiled sweetly at the man, and kissed him briefly. Chandler stopped in the middle of the street. He had never seen that smile on his father's face. He had never seen his father truly happy. It was unsettling.

They let go of each other's hands when their turned at the corner of the street, and Chandler saw a family coming towards him a few seconds later. He moved to let them pass and stayed dumbstruck against the wall.

Maybe Chandler had always known what gay meant but had never seen _love_. He had never witnessed how it could magically change someone's feature and whole face and lighten it up.

He lightened another cigarette and walked the opposite way his father had taken. He almost wanted to forgive him for running away, but there always was that bitter sensation that a son would never turn Charles as happy as Chandler had seen, if happy at all.


End file.
